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But God I Still Hurt

Even now, I’m in place where, though I better understand God’s purpose for my life, and I understand how to war, that I have power over the enemy, and that I am more than a conqueror, it doesn’t change my reality at this moment, I’m still suffering…. I still hurt, I’m still tired, I still have pain, I still feel depressed, I still live with less than ideal conditions, I still have debt, etc., and it’s frustrating! I am in physical pain almost every day and at times, the pain is so severe that it disrupts the flow of my day. So, what now? How do we deal with ‘waiting for our deliverance’ after hearing so many prophecies about our healing, and so many sermons about the ‘promises of God’ when the current state of our healing seems to have experienced no change? Well, first starts, keep living….

Trust me, I get it. I get emotional as well when I know what to do, how to “speak those things” and confess the Word of God over my life, and yet seem to experience no change….To still have pain, to still suffer. But truth be told, His grace has brought me this far. One thing I have learned is this…never exalt your problems to a level as high as, or higher than, your God. I had gotten to the point that I put so much focus, effort, and energy into trying to realize the manifestations of all my immediate “desires”, that I wasn’t diligently seeking the life-giver. It also hit me that these “desires” were actually fears and worries re-dressed and re-presented as “desires”. What happened is that after waiting so long for this deliverance to come, not to mention trying so many different avenues (let’s be real, we all “try and see” sometimes….) my question of “when will this happen for me?” became “will this ever happen for me?” To be real… I lost faith.

I hated getting prayed for at church, I hated people speaking prophecies over me concerning my healing, I hated people giving me ‘instructions’ on what to do to receive my healing, I hated people telling me to give ‘radical praise’ or ‘make sure to repent’ and all that jazz. I was over it! Still am! Lol! But at least I have a better understanding of what to do.

First, I needed to admit to God that I was hurting. Yes, He knows all, but He still likes it when His children invite Him in to their lives and have one-on-one, heart-to-heart conversations with Him, even if it’s just us venting. He’s an emotional God, and He created us as emotional beings, in His image and likeness. He understands…. So I had to get comfortable with going to Him and just crying out. Admitting that even though I trust Him, I’m struggling with my faith in this area of my life because I don’t understand why I’m not healed. God honors our honesty, and our willingness to share our hearts with Him. Which leads me to the next step.

Second, once we’ve released to God, listen to what He tells us. Sometimes, God will comfort us without saying a word. At this point, we have to admit something that is not always easy to accept. God is God. In other words, sometimes what He does and does not allow is completely beyond our understanding. Remember, He is an infinite God, and we are finite beings trying to understand the mind of the Great I Am. So while we only receive a snippet of his thoughts, His plans extend beyond the realms of this universe and include more elements than just our current realities. Remember that time is linear. Timelessness has no bounds. So while we’re living in our now, frustrated and angry about our today, God dwells in our yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and has already seen the end. I know… That’s easier said than done. But trust, acknowledging that can make a big difference in our mindset, and make it easier to embrace His comfort.

After the release God may also give instruction. I know for me, I was told to do specific things: Do I feel like doing these things? Nope! Not at all! But…….. obedience is a part of worship. Worship is an act of love. So, from a position of love, I choose to obey, no matter what. A dear brother of mine told me that “when it comes to spiritual matters, how I feel doesn’t matter.” He’s right. It’s not always about how I feel. Often times in this walk with Christ, our emotions, intellect, and spirit don’t always align. We can feel one way, and mentally process it another way, and feel in in our spirit something totally different. At the end of the day, it’s about following through on the natural application in order to cause spiritual impact. In the end, there will most definitely be a manifestation in the physical realm.

Lastly, give thanks to God always, and for every little victory. Is the pain real? Yes. Does it ever disrupt my daily life? Yes. But has there been any progress? Have I received any measure of healing, no matter how small? Yes. Is my condition as bad as it was 12 months ago? No, not at all. But, I am physically not yet at a place where wholeness has fully manifested. So, where do I go from here? I continue to pursue God, pursue purpose, and be obedient. And I must increase my praise.

This may sound cliché . But to be honest, it’s much easier to enjoy life when I’m not focusing on what’s going wrong. Here’s the deal. Progress is proof that healing is happening and that change is taking place. The issue is that it’s not happening as swiftly as I want it to. And in the midst of my now, of my current situation where I am still dealing with these unfortunate bouts of pain, I choose joy over sorrow. Why? Because joy is not an emotion. It’s not contingent upon how I feel. In my mind, joy is a choice. It’s something I choose to receive from God. It’s intentional. It’s not an emotion that’s fleeting; here one minute and gone the next. Joy is really a spiritual exchange with natural expressions. Praising God is a way to invite that joy into our lives. So during those moments, when my current situation makes me “forget” who I am, and who my God is, Joy helps me to remember, and I am able to keep pushing forward another day.

End (8/14/2018)

~Ms. Royalty


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