Do You Want Healing, or Easy?

I found myself reflecting on my healing journey I went through last spring. There's a lot for me to learn from that experience. But what kicked it off was me crashing out.

Let me explain...

There was a situation where I completely took my anxiety out on a friend that is very dear to me…and this happened more than once…to the point where this friend was ready to cut me off…it was warranted…and honestly, I welcomed it. There was a sigh of relief when they sent me that message. Why? Because the pain associated with the fear of losing that person was over. The worst had occurred now so I no longer had to be afraid of the inevitable…That is, until I hurt another friend for the same, or similar reason and they too decide to walk away. But at that moment, I felt safe. 

I did a full cycle of therapy and a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) supplement during my journey last year. They were very helpful. Through them I was able to learn and identify the height of my anxiety and that many of my actions were literally symptoms of unresolved trauma. It was through the CBT program specifically that I realized the “relief” I felt from my friend wanting to walk away was the anxiousness rooted in the fear of abandonment. Apparently, some people who deal with anxiety in personal relationships can often sabotage those relationships by constantly doing or saying things that trigger the other person and pushes them away, resulting in the person no longer wanting to be friends. This presents a sense of ease for the anxious person because now the thing we’ve feared most has finally happened and we no longer have to be afraid.

It’s over now…I can breathe…

I eventually reprocessed this as quitting.

Quitting is easy. It was easy to allow that friend to just walk away, end our friendship, and never speak to them again. Cutting people out of my life is easy. It’s less work. It requires no commitment, no growth, no self-reflection, no accountability, no ownership or responsibility of my own actions. For a moment, I wanted easy. I wanted to not feel fear or the pain associated with that fear. I was okay with letting the anxiety win…

But I had a quiet talk with Most High after reading that message. “Do you want to heal through the hurt, or do you want easy?” 

I WANT EASY!!  I mean, who doesn’t, right? But then it was like, if I don’t deal with this issue in me now, this trauma, it will resurface, and I’ll have to live through this all over again. So was it better to heal through the hurt today, or save it and experience more hurt tomorrow?

So first, after some thought, I decided it was worth growing through the pain to get to the other side. I didn’t want anxiety to have me in a chokehold any longer.  Second, I didn’t want to keep bleeding on other people. My friends are completely innocent in all this, and more than one of them have suffered at the hands of my wrath due to my fears and anxiety on multiple occasions. Thank God for grace! Cus they all could have cut me off. But that really big explosion was enough for me to say, “I want healing.” Period. Either it will hurt today, or it will hurt longer tomorrow. So that day, I chose to commit to my healing. I won't lie, it was hard yall! Healing requires effort...a lot of it...it requires honesty, discipline, self-encouragement, humility, and total surrender to the process. I had to dig deep and tell these strangers all the weird, hurtful experiences I had that lead me to this place. Things that I had pretty much forgotten about started to come up in my memory and it was emotionally challenging to have sit with that all over again. But it was worth it. Through therapy and CBT, I had the greatest breakthroughs when it comes to dealing with anxiety and I feel the calmness…Now, I still may have a moment here and there, but nothing that takes me out of character like it did back in May of 2025.  

It would have been way easier to just sit in my pain and see friends leave me one after another. Being alone is easy....no pressure...no accountable...no need to consider others when making decisions. But let's be real, no one wants to experience loss all the time, and no one wants to live in constant anxiety mode either. I really needed to press in order to get to the other side, and I did!

This is something I believe can be applied to different areas in my life, not just with managing anxiety.  Healing is part of growing. Even with working out to “get those gains” if you will, it requires some form of pain now in order to experience progress and growth later. Whatever is set before you, whatever challenges you may have that need to be dealt with, “Do you want to heal through the hurt, or do you want easy?”

~Royalty